Special to IGW by Dr. Valencia Walker.

Whether it’s Steve Jobs (the “Apple” guy) or T.I. (the rapper guy), you still hear the same message…  LIVE YOUR LIFE.  By now, most people know that the co-founder of Apple, Inc. died Wednesday, October 5, 2011.  People often say that actions speak louder than words.  In Mr. Jobs case, they not only spoke louder, they amplified the powerful messages of his words.

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life! Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice... Living with the results of other people's thinking. Have the courage to follow your own intuition... they somehow truly know what you really want to become. Everything else is secondary." -Steve Jobs 

The interesting thing to me is that T.I. had a hit song appropriately entitled, “Live Your Life.”  Some of those lyrics echo similar sentiments to Steve Jobs quote (with the “swagger” so typical of rap culture).  “Never mind what haters say, ignore them 'til they fade away/ Amazing they ungrateful for after all the game I gave away/ Safe to say I paved the way, for you cats to get paid today/ You still be wasting days away, nah had I never saved the day…”  T.I. goes on to rap these lyrics too, “Seems as though you lost sight of what's important with the positive/ And checks until your bank account and you up out of poverty/ Your values is ah disarrayed, prioritizing horribly/ Unhappy with the riches cause you're piss poor morally…”  Now, I recognize that my thought process might turn things around differently than yours.  Still, it seems that even those lyrics line up with another rather profound quote from Mr. Jobs: 

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything--all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure--these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important."  -Steve Jobs (2005 Stanford Commencement)

When you encounter people who try to pull and push you into directions that deny your ability to live your best life, trust yourself enough to walk away.  No one escapes death, but there is no need to practice dying every day either.  Stop listening to the people who want you to be what they want you to be.  Stand up for who you really are because that is what is truly important.

Recently Southwest Airlines has been the target of unhappy customers. Recently “L Word” star Leisha Hailey was booted off the plane for what the airline deemed as excessive kissing between her and her girlfriend and Green Day Green rocker Billie Joe Armstrong was asked to exit the plan because his baggy pants were too low. I must say that it pleases me to see that saggy pants on white people is seen just as offensive when they appear on African Americans because often we are the target of such complaints. You may recall that back in June football standout Deshon Marman was asked to leave a US Airways flight and then arrested for resisting arrest when he refused to pull his pants up after he had been asked to do so by flight officials.

I am against discrimination but when does a person’s behavior tip over the line of self-expression and freedom of rights into offensive to others.  I recognize that I wasn’t there but let’s say for the sake of argument that those two women did what SWA said they did. I don’t want to see a heterosexual couple slobbing each other down in public let alone a lesbian couple. I don’t want to have to look at anyone drawers, either—male or female. It’s called underwear for a reason. It goes under your clothes away from plain view. I’m sure SWA has a dress code and if people are in violation of it they should have to adhere to the rules like everyone else.

Should the public have to be subjected to what could be deemed offensive behavior simply because certain people feel that their individual rights are being violated? I know this one is a case by case basis but we have to ask ourselves if in our quest to be individuals and enjoy the freedom to live our lives as we see fit are we being offensive to the general public? If the answer is yes and we are asked to temporarily alter our behaviors to appease the masses, should we?

Would it have killed Ms. Hailey to halt kissing her girlfriend until they were out of the airport? SWA made the point that their request was due to the fact that they are a family airline. So, I assume little ones were on the plane. I don’t know any GOOD parents who allow excessive displays of affection in front of their children no matter what the sexual orientation of the couples are. Children are asked to leave the room and improper films, television shows, etc., are turned off.

Would it have killed those young men to pull up their pants? Walk around at home with plumbers butt if you want to but in public it’s just good etiquette to pull your damn pants up.

As I stated, I wasn’t there for any of these instances so if discrimination is found to be the case then the airlines should apologize and be dealt with. However, if this is not the case none of those people would have died on the spot if they had honored the request made of them and they would have gotten to their destination a lot sooner as well.  So I ask you are airlines being insensitive and discriminatory or were these patrons being stupid?

Besides, it’s been proven time and time again that arguing with an airline official almost never immediately works in the passenger’s favor. Make your complaints after you land.

Find more blogs by Jae Henderson at My Side of the Single Life. http://imagoodwoman2.blogspot.com/. You can also purchase my book, Someday here, http://www.amazon.com/shops/jaehenderson.

Every woman has a different level of self-discipline but if you’re used to getting laid regularly stopping cold turkey may not be that easy initially. However, celibacy can be done successfully and here a few of my personal suggestions for how to avoid doing the do.

1. Develop a strong relationship with God and with people of a like mind.
Abstaining from sex is not easy. You cannot get through this without strong faith and friends who are traveling on the same road who can encourage you along the way. Read your Bible every day, pray and spend time regularly with Christian friends who understand what you have chosen to do and won’t waste your time telling you how crazy you are for abstaining.

2. Be mindful of your senses.
We live in a sex laden society. It’s in the music, the movies, our favorite TV shows, the books we read..you get the picture. If those things make you want to have sex you may need to find other forms of entertainment or be more selective. Also, watch your speech. Having constant conversations about sex or sexting will only make you want to participate.

3. Get physical!
Having a great way to burn off energy can help your body get used to the adjustment you are making as well as burn off the pent up sexual energy. Select a workout regiment or sport you enjoy and do it regularly. Go hard!

4. Date wisely.
I don’t recommend telling every man you meet you’re celibate during your first conversation. If his intentions are honorable he won’t try to have sex with you too soon anyway. So, it won’t be a big deal initially. If it’s obvious that’s what he wants why entertain his advances. Stick to men who act like they are more interested in what’s on the inside than what’s on the outside. Yet, you will have to tell him as the courtship progresses and he will have to determine whether or not he can handle your decision. Dating men who constantly attempt to get you to have sex is just dumb. If he can't respect your decision tell him to kick rocks with no socks!

3. Don’t prepare for dates or outings to entice.
We all want to look good when we go out but if your goal is not to have sex why entice the opposite sex by dressing provocatively. Plunging neck lines, short skirts and skin tight material does not say hands off.  You don’t have to dress like a nun but dressing like a video vixen is a no, no. It can also send mixed signals not only to your date but to yourself. Even wearing your sexiest lingerie “just in case” subconsciously says to your mind and body let's get it on. Wearing less than impressive undies can also be a mental stop sign. You’re not so quick to come out your clothes if you think those period panties or bloomers and the bra with the raggedy straps and worn out cups will embarrass you. I know it sounds crazy but it works!

4. Put the breaks on affection.
We all want to feel wanted but pushing the envelope will only frustrate you and your companion.  Constant groping, long kissing sessions, lying next to one another naked and engaging in other forms of sex will not help you achieve your goals. What fun is getting all hot and bothered and then having to cool off quickly? You know what turns you on so you also know what will send you over the edge.

5. Plan outside dates and avoid late nights.
Sex usually occurs when two people are alone so it’s important to plan outside activities on your dates with other people present to help alleviate the temptation. Have fun: double-date, go to the park, a concert, go to a café and talk. This allows you to really get to know a person and lay a strong foundation of friendship. The best relationships are built on a solid friendship. Now, alone time and romantic evenings can be tricky but if the two of you set some boundaries you can have a great time enjoying one another with your clothes on. You may want to put an embargo on midnight movie nights at the house though. Usually, the later it is the more tempted you will be to get physical.

6. Don’t treat this like a prison sentence.
Not having sex isn’t the end of the world. Enjoy this time or don’t do it. You made this decision because you felt it was the right thing to do. If you’re going to complain the entire time and stress about how horny you are don’t do it. Abstaining from sex is a time of self-reflection, spiritual enlightenment and Godly purpose. You won’t experience any of that if you are miserable and constantly brooding over the fact that you aren’t getting any. If you are going to give God you, be a cheerful giver.

Find more blogs by Jae Henderson at My Side of the Single Life, http://imagoodwoman2.blogspot.com. You can also purchase my book, Someday here, http://www.amazon.com/shops/jaehenderson.

Happy: At state of well-being and contentment; pleasurable satisfaction

I often wonder how many of us truly know what it means to be happy. In this superficial world we live in we associate happiness with houses, cars, clothes and other items that can be bought in a store. Some people spend their entire lives working to achieve things. Then, when they get them they still aren’t happy---at least not long term. You want to know why? It has been proven through research that things only bring temporary happiness.  That euphoric feeling you have after purchasing that fast car, those new red bottom shoes or 60 inch flat screen TV eventually fades after you get used to having them. In his book, “Happy: Simple Steps to Getting the Most Out of Life,” Dr. Ian Smith shares what brings true happiness. It includes:

• Family, friends and social companionship
• Helping others
• Appreciating what you have and not feeling wistful about what you don’t have
• Pursuing a passion
• Taking pride in one’s work
• Forgiving someone for an offense and moving on
• Not trying to keep up with the Jones

You didn’t see Gucci, Louie, Prada or Christian Louboutin on that list anywhere did you? Of course being financially stable can contribute to your happiness but a millionaire will tell you that his money would mean nothing without the people who mean the most to him or her to share it with. Think about it this way. What if I gave you an unlimited amount of money to throw yourself a birthday party? It’s everything you ever dreamed except for one problem. No one showed up to help you celebrate. The expensive venue with the decorations you had done by the best event planner in the country, who spared no expense on everything you asked for, really wouldn’t matter would it?  There’s no one to hug you and tell you happy birthday. There are no people there to toast to the day you were born. There’s no one to tell you how fly you look in your designer outfit. There is no one to get your boogie on with on the dance floor. And there’s no one to sing you happy birthday before you blow out the candles on your huge, overpriced cake. You got everything you wanted, but I’m sure you would deem your party a flop. You would probably leave feeling unwanted and unloved. Am I right?

I’ll trade temporary happiness for a lifetime of happiness any day. So each day I’m working to achieve the things on that list--what really matters. So I can stay on the right side of happiness.  

Find more blogs by Jae Henderson at My Side of the Single Life, http://imagoodwoman2.blogspot.com. You can also purchase my book, Someday here, http://www.amazon.com/shops/jaehenderson.

Find more blogs by Jae Henderson at My Side of the Single Life, http://imagoodwoman2.blogspot.com. You can also purchase my book, Someday here, http://www.amazon.com/shops/jaehenderson. This has been one of the hardest lessons for me to learn. Sometimes the most gut-wrenching thing to do is leave the ones you care for behind, even if it is for the best. However, the truth of the matter is everyone is not moving at the same pace you are or in the same direction so you may have to cut them loose. Sometimes you hang on for comfort or convenience. Sometimes because you don’t want to cause anyone pain. Moving on doesn’t mean you still can’t call and check on them from time to time it just means you won’t talk as much because your focus has shifted elsewhere. We’ve all had to do it…the friend who still wants to go to the club every weekend and you’ve decided you have better things to do. Or maybe you got married and/or had a baby and your single friends can’t relate to you like they used to. Perhaps, you started a business and it consumes 75% of your day so you can no longer sit on the phone for hours talking to your girls about their problems.  The separation may hurt—whether the hurt comes from them or you. Yet, the laws of nature dictate that as you move forward what was in front of you will one day find itself behind you if it is not moving alongside you. God brings people into our lives for a moment, a reason, a season or a lifetime. If the friendship is doing you more harm than good it may be time to let it go because your season has ended and you have a lifetime to live in peace and positivity.

If you have to part ways with someone do it with love in your heart, gratitude for what you have shared and openness that allows for the friendship to be rekindled later on down the line. You may even want to consider keeping an open door policy so they know even though you’re not as tight as you used to be if they ever need you, they can call. Now, if a situation or altercation happened that makes that friendship unable to be salvaged, make peace with yourself and your decision and keep moving forward with a smile on your face and good memories of the two of you.

But always remember you are no better than anyone else although you may be in a better state of mind and in a better place.

Find more blogs by Jae Henderson at My Side of the Single Life, http://imagoodwoman2.blogspot.com. You can also purchase my book, Someday here, http://www.amazon.com/shops/jaehenderson.

     Anyone who knows me knows that I am not the most organized person on the planet. Well, in an effort to rid myself of mounds of paperwork and make room for more paperwork I really need, I asked a friend to give me a file cabinet and got to work cleaning house.  I was amazed at some of the "stuff" I was hoarding. I still had all my receipts for the bursar's office at the University of Memphis. Mind you I graduated in 1999!  I found three love letters I wrote to my ex-boyfriend back in the late 90’s. I WAS SO RIDICULOUSLY SPRUNG! I had poems I forgot I had written, scripts I wrote during my time as a writer for the Tom Joyner Morning Show, notes from various classes I had taken and a bunch of other "stuff" I won't name.  Most of it I didn't want nor did I need.  As I delved through the files of my life I realized three things:   

1)   I had done a lot of things I had forgotten about. 

2)  I need an excellent, super strength shredder. 

3)  I need to clean house more regularly.  

     Let's go with that and use it as a metaphor for life.  Remember to clean house emotionally, mentally and physically on a regular basis. We all have emotional baggage and things we have neglected to discard but when that baggage weighs us down, prevents us from moving forward or takes up so much room we can't add to our lives, there's a problem. Is anything holding you back?  Are you still in love with someone you used to date back in the day?  He’s probably moved on and married and here you are pining away about what might have been. Do you have a closet full of clothes that don't fit anymore and you're telling people about how fine you used to be?  (Lose the weight or donate them to Goodwill) Are you mad because someone got the promotion you felt you deserved?  Are you still crying inside because your father wasn't there? Are you still bitter because someone broke your heart or had sex with you and acted like you didn't matter afterward. Now, all men are dogs and the woman he is with is an unattractive, gold digging whore. Are you still beating yourself up because of a bad decision you made that you can't fix? I am not without sympathy because I’ve been there. Although, your pain may be completely legitimate you should want to stop hurting. Letting go isn't always easy but enduring the pain in order to reach the breakthrough is usually worth it. It’s not healthy to wallow in sorrow, anger or regret. 

     Love yourself enough to forgive the person that hurt you and then let it all go.  Will yourself to heal yourself.  You cannot thrive and live out the wonderful life God has planned for you in a cluttered, emotionally toxic environment. Do yourself a HUGE favor and clean house! Keep the precious memories and throw the rest out. If you need therapy don’t be too proud to get it. Do what you have to do to be emotionally, mentally and physically healthy. Happiness is a wonderful place to reside. Put those bags down girl and give your arms a rest. 

In case no one has told you lately my sisters….you are beautiful!

Find more blogs by Jae Henderson at My Side of the Single Life, http://imagoodwoman2.blogspot.com. You can also purchase my book, Someday here, http://www.amazon.com/shops/jaehenderson.

          We’ve all heard people say, “I could complain but nobody wants to hear it anyway.”  Well, for the most part it’s true. However, there is a difference between complaining and just needing a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. We all have those days when we wonder “Why Me?” and “What the hell did I do to deserve this?” When life is unfair we run to our friends, significant other or parents with our woe is me stories. After we’ve told the story, cried our eyes and received a few “I’m so sorry to hear thats” and possibly some good advice we have to ask ourselves what’s next. Are we going to wallow in self pity? As Whitney would say, Hell to the Naw! You pick your behind up and attack that situation like it just tried to run off with your new Louis Vuitton purse---that’s what you do! If you can fix it, get to fixin’. If you can’t, fix your attitude. One of the worst states I know to be in is helplessness. That’s the state of being where no matter what you say or do you can’t change a thing even though the situation is hurting like hell. Situations such as illness, death, irreconcilable break ups and taxes normally fall in that category. You have to resolve to be happy in spite of your circumstances. It’s so easy to get caught up in what’s going wrong and forget about what’s going right.

     I used to be a chronic complainer. I hated my life, my body, the direction my career was going and being single. I’m sure I was a freakin’ joy to be around. I’m glad I have a big sister who’s not afraid to tell me to grow up and shut the hell up. Your perception of life truly does help determine the quality of your life. I am always amazed by people who are facing dire situations as big as mountains who don’t complain and are capable of keeping a smile on their faces. However, their secret is simple, they are happy because they choose to be. So the next time you’re feeling a little down count your blessings and I’m sure you’ll realize just how wonderful your life truly is. Do this little exercise and make a list of 10 things you are grateful for. They can be big or small. The point is that they bring you joy! Here are mine…..

1. Good health
2. Mental stability
3. A home
4. Amazing family and friends
5. A business that I enjoy and that pays my bills (I’m working on a thriving business)
6. A great sense of humor (Laughter makes so many situations easier to bear)
7. A closet full of cute shoes
8. The ability to write and encourage others
9. The ability to continue to love even after being hurt
10. A Heavenly Father who cares 

 
     Now post them where you can see them on a regular basis so you can constantly be reminded of how good you actually have it. Love yourself ladies because you’re the best thing you’ve got!

 

It’s fall and Facebook is a buzz with posts about boo season and how it’s the time to find someone to keep you warm during the winter months. I guess this isn’t a new concept.  But it seems odd to give it a name and a brand. Call me green but I never thought people would actually seek out someone just for this time of year, but it’s understandable. No one wants to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve alone. I can see how an extra gift under the Christmas tree and someone to kiss when the clock strikes midnight to signify a new year would be appealing. Let’s not forget Valentine’s Day. That highly commercialized day when people are supposed to flock to the stores and spend obscene amounts of money to prove their love for the object of their affections. No woman wants to admit she didn’t get a thing because she had no one to give her anything.

But why do people treat being single like it’s an incurable venereal disease. With the alarming rate of divorces, the staggering number of illegitimate babies being born each year, the escalation of HIV in the African American community and people who change significant others like they change underwear I think it’s safe to say that some people may have been better off alone at certain periods in their lives. For them having a boo, even if it was for just one night, probably didn’t turn out the way they thought it would.

Right now, I’m cool with being single but I know there will come a time when I’ll long for constant companionship. Human beings are not meant to be alone, but I don’t believe having a man just for the sake of having a man would be wise, at least not for me. I’m almost certain it would end in heart ache and pain. Although, it might reduce my urge to change the station when that depressing song “What Do The Lonely Do At Christmas?” escapes my speakers or stay inside my home when V-Day rolls around. I used to say if I ever met Cupid I would tear off his wings, break all his arrows and pour ice in his diaper. Then would follow a painful interrogation period about why he hasn’t hit someone with his arrows on my behalf. (LOL) But back to boo season….what happens when spring hits, the weather improves, we all escape our winter lairs with less clothes and less inhibitions. More than likely the man I thought loved me will reveal that he wants to be free to explore other options but his time with me has been fun. Boo season all of a sudden turns into boo hoo season and I will have to come to grips with the fact that I allowed myself to be used. I think I’ll boycott boo season. Instead, if I start to get lonely I’ll….hell I don’t know what I’ll do. I’ll figure that out when it happens. To those of you who choose to participate, I wish you good luck and warm nights accompanied by a great game of footsie.

Whoever started boo season needs to go see a psychiatrist. It’s obvious they have a co-dependency issue. (-:

Find more blogs by Jae Henderson at My Side of the Single Life, http://imagoodwoman2.blogspot.com. You can also purchase my book, Someday here, http://www.amazon.com/shops/jaehenderson.