Jack Daniels Is Mr. Tell It Like It 'Tis
"Women need to get a little more conscious and courageous about asking a man where he stands in life. What’s wrong with asking a man what are your plans for us? Where do you see us? How do you see us and being genuine about it. That’s not pushy. That’s not bossy. That’s not demanding. That’s simply saying, I’m a part of this and I want to know where we are."
Jack Daniels is a therapist, motivational speaker and author. In 2009, he published his first book, "The Man's Handbook for Choosing the Right Woman: Understanding Our Relationship Roster and What Makes Men Afraid of Settling Down." It was designed to help men understand that their problems with women aren’t because they don’t understand women, it's because they don’t understand themselves. Men and women have found the book to be quite helpful. During our interview, Jack was open about the flaws men have, but he was also open to pointing out the mistakes women make when trying to find the love of their life. It got a little lengthy, so I’ll let you start reading now.
JH: What made you decide to write "The Man’s Handbook"?
JD: I was tired of reading articles and listening to commentary about what a man wants, what a man needs, and what he requires from a woman's point of view. So, I thought it was important that I address it from a man’s point of view and educate men about why they do some of the things they do in the context of a relationship. Since I’m in the helping profession I always want to encourage the growth and development of us as a culture and us as men.
JH: Do you think a woman can do anything to make a man ready to settle down?
Absolutely not. Change comes within. You can’t wave your magic wand and make someone the way you want them to be. It’s a woman’s job to be ready when the opportunity presents itself. It’s a man’s job to explore every component that comprises his character, meaning that until a man has explored, expounded upon and experienced all of the elements that help make up who he is, he will never be fully ready to commit. Identity equals intimacy. Until you understand who you are and what comprises you, you will never be able to commit yourself to a full fledged relationship.
JH: Well, what is a woman supposed to do in the interim, while men are out there doing all this exploring?
JD: (Laughs) I’m not saying he’s out sowing his royal oats or anything. In relationships women do the same thing, exploring who she is. Women just tend to do it a little bit differently. It’s nothing more than us trying to develop our sense of what we like, dislike, need, require and want. Women mature a little bit faster and think they know what they want sooner as opposed to men who haven’t been conditioned as much to want the exact same thing as a woman.
Women say okay, I went to school, got good grades, got a job and now it’s time for me to get married and have babies. That’s what many women have been conditioned and trained to believe and think but that’s not all the time true, which is why you have a 50% divorce rate. So many people are getting married or pushing the idea of marriage before their time and before they have taken the time to get to know themselves. I’m completely for marriage but only when it’s with the right person and at the right time in your life. Until you know yourself, you will never be comfortable or able to tell someone else about you and expressing that is an important component of any relationship.
Jack Daniels is a therapist, motivational speaker and author. In 2009, he published his first book, "The Man's Handbook for Choosing the Right Woman: Understanding Our Relationship Roster and What Makes Men Afraid of Settling Down." It was designed to help men understand that their problems with women aren’t because they don’t understand women, it's because they don’t understand themselves. Men and women have found the book to be quite helpful. During our interview, Jack was open about the flaws men have, but he was also open to pointing out the mistakes women make when trying to find the love of their life. It got a little lengthy, so I’ll let you start reading now.
JH: What made you decide to write "The Man’s Handbook"?
JD: I was tired of reading articles and listening to commentary about what a man wants, what a man needs, and what he requires from a woman's point of view. So, I thought it was important that I address it from a man’s point of view and educate men about why they do some of the things they do in the context of a relationship. Since I’m in the helping profession I always want to encourage the growth and development of us as a culture and us as men.
JH: Do you think a woman can do anything to make a man ready to settle down?
Absolutely not. Change comes within. You can’t wave your magic wand and make someone the way you want them to be. It’s a woman’s job to be ready when the opportunity presents itself. It’s a man’s job to explore every component that comprises his character, meaning that until a man has explored, expounded upon and experienced all of the elements that help make up who he is, he will never be fully ready to commit. Identity equals intimacy. Until you understand who you are and what comprises you, you will never be able to commit yourself to a full fledged relationship.
JH: Well, what is a woman supposed to do in the interim, while men are out there doing all this exploring?
JD: (Laughs) I’m not saying he’s out sowing his royal oats or anything. In relationships women do the same thing, exploring who she is. Women just tend to do it a little bit differently. It’s nothing more than us trying to develop our sense of what we like, dislike, need, require and want. Women mature a little bit faster and think they know what they want sooner as opposed to men who haven’t been conditioned as much to want the exact same thing as a woman.
Women say okay, I went to school, got good grades, got a job and now it’s time for me to get married and have babies. That’s what many women have been conditioned and trained to believe and think but that’s not all the time true, which is why you have a 50% divorce rate. So many people are getting married or pushing the idea of marriage before their time and before they have taken the time to get to know themselves. I’m completely for marriage but only when it’s with the right person and at the right time in your life. Until you know yourself, you will never be comfortable or able to tell someone else about you and expressing that is an important component of any relationship.
JH: Your book talks about women falling into five major categories what are those categories?
JD: Please keep in mind that these categories don’t pertain to all people. The categories that I’m suggesting help men understand how they interact in the context of relationships. It was simply an example. I use an analogy of basketball because men totally understand sports. So what I said was if our relationships were a basketball team, all men would know who would be on their starting five roster. Men know what position they would play, where they rank and which one has the most marriage potential but may have a difficult time choosing the right one.
JH: So how can women use that info to their advantage? You know a guy has these categories of women. You may even know which one you fall into. So after you figure this out what next?
JD: A woman needs to have a plan. Women need to get a little more conscious and courageous about asking a man where he stands in life. What’s wrong with asking a man what are your plans for us? Where do you see us? How do you see us and being genuine about it. That’s not pushy. That’s not bossy. That’s not demanding. That’s simply saying, I’m a part of this and I want to know where we are. Once you know what category you fall in. Once you know what his needs, wants and requirements are you can kind of evaluate whether or not you will be able to meet his expectations. If not, you need to tell him to kick rocks and move on.
Women make the mistake of getting with men who don’t know themselves. If they don’t know themselves how can they tell you who they are? But women say, "he just needs time, I’ll stay around and hopefully he’ll come around". He may not be available to commit to you. He may not be available to you spiritually, mentally or physically but because he’s convenient many women settle for a piece of a man. I’m telling women, don’t settle for that piece. You want the whole thing and when you start to realize you deserve the whole thing you will be a lot better off.
Make the conscious, cognitive decision to ask about where you stand with a man instead of waiting for him to reveal it to you. If you find out his intentions are not good, it’s your job not to stand there long. It’s time to move on and find someone who is better suited and more importantly, ready to give you the things you want.
JH: Good advice. Okay, let’s switch gears. You recently went to Atlanta and moderated a discussion based on a report by ABC News that there is a shortage of eligible bachelors in the black community and black women aren’t’ getting married. How did that go and what’s your conclusion on that theory?
JD: What a lot of women don’t know is they originally tried to do that story in New York but kept running into women who where in happy relationships with black men, so they went to Atlanta. I don’t think that there is a shortage of black men. I go to Atlanta quite often and I see an abundance of men—in every club or social setting I’m in. I’ve also gone around the country and have seen them other places too.
There were about 250 people in the room with about 55% women and 45% men. Now, what the men in the discussion pointed out was the selection process of women is often unrealistic. I’m not telling women to lower their standards but what I am saying is you probably need to stop saying there is a shortage and start saying there is a shortage of men who meet your criteria.
The conversation was very interesting because what you had was a lot of men who were saying, “Hey, I’m ready and available but I can’t find a woman who meets my criteria because so many of these women are materialistic, egotistical and superficial. So many of them have no essence or substance to them and the only thing they are looking for is the wrong things in a man.” A man is not measured by what he’s bringing to the table financially. He is measured by what he has on the table spiritually, mentally and emotionally and some of those things are forgotten about. Ladies, after you start listing all of these things ask yourself how much of that has to do with him as a person and his ability to love you and treat you well. A lot of men and women don’t match up because our standards and criteria are flawed.
It was an interesting debate and the men won. There was nothing women could say when you have a room full of men who are saying I’m not gay, I don’t have bad credit, I got a good job, I own my house and I’m willing to commit to someone and I can’t find a woman who is interested. The women couldn’t say they can’t find a good man when they were in a room full of them! (laughs)
JH: Just because they said they were good men that doesn’t make it true! (laughs)
JD: What I’m saying is there was a room full of men who were willing to stand up and say, “I’m tired of playing games. Why can’t I find a good woman that meets some of my criteria and standards?” Maybe they were lying but maybe there are a lot of women lying too. Do they really want to settle down or do they want to get as much as they can get in a relationship? It was a good conversation.
To learn more about Jack Daniels, visit his website at www.press-pause.com. You can order the book at www.themanshandbook.com.
- First, there's your first round draft pick who is probably young, inexperienced and hasn’t really been in the game too long. She’s a rookie. She doesn’t really know too many things about life.
- There is your franchise veteran, who is like your older woman who teaches you a lot you didn’t know about the game, but she’s a necessity for the team because she’s stable and nurturing. She’s probably been around the block a few times. Maybe she’s divorced and has a couple of kids.
- Your superstar, who is like your ideal player. She has an excellent highlight reel and she can do no wrong. She’s a woman who you really want to be with, but you’re not ready for. She also teaches you about ego and how it’s okay to put it down and be vulnerable.
- Your point guard, who is like a reflection of the coach on the floor. She mirrors your images, does some of the things you do. She thinks so much like you she can finish your sentences. She’s you in a skirt.
- The all around athlete is capable of taking little snippets of everyone on the team. She’s the hustler. She doesn’t mind doing the dirty work. She has an all around perfected game.
- Now there’s a sixth person coming off the bench. She is someone you put in the game when one of the starters isn’t acting right. She’s the freak of the week or the booty call. All men have them or have had them at some point in their lives.
JH: So how can women use that info to their advantage? You know a guy has these categories of women. You may even know which one you fall into. So after you figure this out what next?
JD: A woman needs to have a plan. Women need to get a little more conscious and courageous about asking a man where he stands in life. What’s wrong with asking a man what are your plans for us? Where do you see us? How do you see us and being genuine about it. That’s not pushy. That’s not bossy. That’s not demanding. That’s simply saying, I’m a part of this and I want to know where we are. Once you know what category you fall in. Once you know what his needs, wants and requirements are you can kind of evaluate whether or not you will be able to meet his expectations. If not, you need to tell him to kick rocks and move on.
Women make the mistake of getting with men who don’t know themselves. If they don’t know themselves how can they tell you who they are? But women say, "he just needs time, I’ll stay around and hopefully he’ll come around". He may not be available to commit to you. He may not be available to you spiritually, mentally or physically but because he’s convenient many women settle for a piece of a man. I’m telling women, don’t settle for that piece. You want the whole thing and when you start to realize you deserve the whole thing you will be a lot better off.
Make the conscious, cognitive decision to ask about where you stand with a man instead of waiting for him to reveal it to you. If you find out his intentions are not good, it’s your job not to stand there long. It’s time to move on and find someone who is better suited and more importantly, ready to give you the things you want.
JH: Good advice. Okay, let’s switch gears. You recently went to Atlanta and moderated a discussion based on a report by ABC News that there is a shortage of eligible bachelors in the black community and black women aren’t’ getting married. How did that go and what’s your conclusion on that theory?
JD: What a lot of women don’t know is they originally tried to do that story in New York but kept running into women who where in happy relationships with black men, so they went to Atlanta. I don’t think that there is a shortage of black men. I go to Atlanta quite often and I see an abundance of men—in every club or social setting I’m in. I’ve also gone around the country and have seen them other places too.
There were about 250 people in the room with about 55% women and 45% men. Now, what the men in the discussion pointed out was the selection process of women is often unrealistic. I’m not telling women to lower their standards but what I am saying is you probably need to stop saying there is a shortage and start saying there is a shortage of men who meet your criteria.
The conversation was very interesting because what you had was a lot of men who were saying, “Hey, I’m ready and available but I can’t find a woman who meets my criteria because so many of these women are materialistic, egotistical and superficial. So many of them have no essence or substance to them and the only thing they are looking for is the wrong things in a man.” A man is not measured by what he’s bringing to the table financially. He is measured by what he has on the table spiritually, mentally and emotionally and some of those things are forgotten about. Ladies, after you start listing all of these things ask yourself how much of that has to do with him as a person and his ability to love you and treat you well. A lot of men and women don’t match up because our standards and criteria are flawed.
It was an interesting debate and the men won. There was nothing women could say when you have a room full of men who are saying I’m not gay, I don’t have bad credit, I got a good job, I own my house and I’m willing to commit to someone and I can’t find a woman who is interested. The women couldn’t say they can’t find a good man when they were in a room full of them! (laughs)
JH: Just because they said they were good men that doesn’t make it true! (laughs)
JD: What I’m saying is there was a room full of men who were willing to stand up and say, “I’m tired of playing games. Why can’t I find a good woman that meets some of my criteria and standards?” Maybe they were lying but maybe there are a lot of women lying too. Do they really want to settle down or do they want to get as much as they can get in a relationship? It was a good conversation.
To learn more about Jack Daniels, visit his website at www.press-pause.com. You can order the book at www.themanshandbook.com.
