Lemmonstine Poindexter: Sing O'Barren Woman
I want to bring more awareness to this in the African American community. It’s not something that’s talked about and when it is it’s not talked about in the right way. You’ll hear people say you’re not holding your legs right or something like that. That has nothing to do with it.--Lemmonstine Poindexter
GW: When did you receive a diagnosis that you were barren?
LP: For years no one could tell me why I couldn’t conceive. Doctors told me there was nothing wrong with me. I’ve been married twice. I first got married at the age of 21 and after I was married for about four years and we hadn’t conceived I started going to see doctors. Well, in my 20’s they never found anything that was wrong with me. That went on into my 30’s. I got remarried when I was 32 and I still didn’t get pregnant and no one could tell me why. Finally, when I was 41 they did a test and discovered that my fallopian tubes were not only blocked but totally damaged.
GW: What emotions did you feel?
LP: I felt a lot of loneliness. Although I was married I felt like there was something missing. You feel so many different emotions. Every time my cycle would come on I would be like why? Why couldn’t I have been pregnant this month? Even the Bible talks about it. It talks about the three things that are never fulfilled and the barren woman is one of those things. When you want children and can’t conceive normally happy occasions, like going to baby showers, become very difficult.
GW: When did you receive a diagnosis that you were barren?
LP: For years no one could tell me why I couldn’t conceive. Doctors told me there was nothing wrong with me. I’ve been married twice. I first got married at the age of 21 and after I was married for about four years and we hadn’t conceived I started going to see doctors. Well, in my 20’s they never found anything that was wrong with me. That went on into my 30’s. I got remarried when I was 32 and I still didn’t get pregnant and no one could tell me why. Finally, when I was 41 they did a test and discovered that my fallopian tubes were not only blocked but totally damaged.
GW: What emotions did you feel?
LP: I felt a lot of loneliness. Although I was married I felt like there was something missing. You feel so many different emotions. Every time my cycle would come on I would be like why? Why couldn’t I have been pregnant this month? Even the Bible talks about it. It talks about the three things that are never fulfilled and the barren woman is one of those things. When you want children and can’t conceive normally happy occasions, like going to baby showers, become very difficult.
Life Still Has Meaning.......
GW: What made you write Sing O’ Barren Woman?
LP: For over 20 years I wanted to have a child and I couldn’t get pregnant. Back in 2008, I found out why I couldn’t get pregnant AND I was about to go through a really terrible divorce. The reason for the divorce was my husband had been having an affair with another woman and by the time I found out they were getting ready to have a baby. This was my second divorce. I had previously been married for over 12 years and I wanted a child and gotten divorced without having one. I couldn’t believe it was happing again. It was a lot to deal with and while going through the divorce I felt like God was trying to tell me something. I asked him what he wanted me to do. I really sought God for an answer. One thing he showed me he wanted me to do was use my infertility and my barrenness to be a source of hope and healing for other women.
The book not only contains my story, but there are seven other women whose stories of barrenness are in there.
GW: Do you think that the fact you could not conceive caused problems in your marriages?
LP: Those are the types of questions I’ve had to ask myself within the last 12 months. I didn’t think that it did and both husbands said that it didn’t but now it makes me wonder. And one of the biggest reasons is with this last marriage because after he had his affair my husband had to make a choice between that woman and his wife. He chose to be with her and the baby. He already had two children and he always said that it didn’t matter if we didn’t have more but when we got married we thought we would have more. So, now that I look back I’m sure it did have to affect my marriages in some way.
GW: That had to be really tough for you. I admire your strength. What do you hope women will take away with them after reading your book?
LP: The Bible talks about the fact that the barren woman will have more children than the woman who bore a child. I now understand what that means. I have a lot of god children and children who I have mentored. What I want women to realize after reading my book is that their life is not centered around whether or not they can physically bare a child. If you really want a child there are all sorts of ways to have a child. Every woman is not meant to have a child. Maybe God has something else for you to do with your life. Maybe he wants you to take that extra time that you have and do something else with it to be a positive influence on somebody else’s life.
GW: I understand that your support group came about as a result of the book.
The book was released in 2010. After I wrote it, God started dealing with me about starting my own group. In September of last year we had our first official meeting in Clarkesville, TN and since that time I’ve tried to kick off in other areas like Nashville and Memphis.
I want to bring more awareness to this in the African American community. It’s not something that’s talked about and when it is it’s not talked about in the right way. You’ll hear people say you’re not holding your legs right or something like that. That has nothing to do with it.
GW: How can other women be involved?
LP: Just come to one of the meetings. I do advertisement in places I think that women will take notice, like magazines. We’re getting ready to have another meeting in Clarkesville and then in Nashville. I normally do like a luncheon and then we’ll talk. It’s not a membership. There are no dues it’s free. It’s a group that comes together and discusses issues. It’s not your typical support group. It’s not a place where people just come and talk. I want women with infertility issues to learn to do something while they’re waiting. Whether it be mentoring or gaining information about adoption. Do something besides feel sorry for yourself.
The support group is very helpful in helping women deal with what they’re going through. I brought up baby showers early. We help them realize that it’s okay if you don’t want to go to baby showers. If you just want to get a get a gift and send it you don’t have to feel like you’re a bad person. Sometimes it hurts. You really want a baby and here’s this woman with four or five children. A lot of women who are barren are smiling on the outside but they’re not smiling on the inside at all.
GW: What is your advice to someone who is newly diagnosed?
LP: My advice is to embrace it. There are so many different levels to finding out. A lot of times doctors can tell you that you can’t conceive but they can’t tell you why. Usually the only definite answer is when you have had a hysterectomy. When they finally say ‘this is why’ I encourage woman to embrace their barrenness. Go on with the rest of your life. Don’t let your life revolve around having a child. Discover the other things you want to do with your life and be happy to do those things. Mentor. There are so many children that need a positive influence in their life. Become a foster parent or adopt. There are many children who need a stable home. I encourage women to do that early. So many people make adoption their last option. It doesn’t have to be.
The advice I give younger women who want to seek infertility treatments, is to do it at an early age. With medical help you may be able to conceive.
If you would like to learn more about the National Barren Women’s Support Group visit, www.singobarrenwoman.com or call 931.301.0284 or email her at lemmonstine@yahoo.com. Click here to joine their Facebook Fan Page.
LP: For over 20 years I wanted to have a child and I couldn’t get pregnant. Back in 2008, I found out why I couldn’t get pregnant AND I was about to go through a really terrible divorce. The reason for the divorce was my husband had been having an affair with another woman and by the time I found out they were getting ready to have a baby. This was my second divorce. I had previously been married for over 12 years and I wanted a child and gotten divorced without having one. I couldn’t believe it was happing again. It was a lot to deal with and while going through the divorce I felt like God was trying to tell me something. I asked him what he wanted me to do. I really sought God for an answer. One thing he showed me he wanted me to do was use my infertility and my barrenness to be a source of hope and healing for other women.
The book not only contains my story, but there are seven other women whose stories of barrenness are in there.
GW: Do you think that the fact you could not conceive caused problems in your marriages?
LP: Those are the types of questions I’ve had to ask myself within the last 12 months. I didn’t think that it did and both husbands said that it didn’t but now it makes me wonder. And one of the biggest reasons is with this last marriage because after he had his affair my husband had to make a choice between that woman and his wife. He chose to be with her and the baby. He already had two children and he always said that it didn’t matter if we didn’t have more but when we got married we thought we would have more. So, now that I look back I’m sure it did have to affect my marriages in some way.
GW: That had to be really tough for you. I admire your strength. What do you hope women will take away with them after reading your book?
LP: The Bible talks about the fact that the barren woman will have more children than the woman who bore a child. I now understand what that means. I have a lot of god children and children who I have mentored. What I want women to realize after reading my book is that their life is not centered around whether or not they can physically bare a child. If you really want a child there are all sorts of ways to have a child. Every woman is not meant to have a child. Maybe God has something else for you to do with your life. Maybe he wants you to take that extra time that you have and do something else with it to be a positive influence on somebody else’s life.
GW: I understand that your support group came about as a result of the book.
The book was released in 2010. After I wrote it, God started dealing with me about starting my own group. In September of last year we had our first official meeting in Clarkesville, TN and since that time I’ve tried to kick off in other areas like Nashville and Memphis.
I want to bring more awareness to this in the African American community. It’s not something that’s talked about and when it is it’s not talked about in the right way. You’ll hear people say you’re not holding your legs right or something like that. That has nothing to do with it.
GW: How can other women be involved?
LP: Just come to one of the meetings. I do advertisement in places I think that women will take notice, like magazines. We’re getting ready to have another meeting in Clarkesville and then in Nashville. I normally do like a luncheon and then we’ll talk. It’s not a membership. There are no dues it’s free. It’s a group that comes together and discusses issues. It’s not your typical support group. It’s not a place where people just come and talk. I want women with infertility issues to learn to do something while they’re waiting. Whether it be mentoring or gaining information about adoption. Do something besides feel sorry for yourself.
The support group is very helpful in helping women deal with what they’re going through. I brought up baby showers early. We help them realize that it’s okay if you don’t want to go to baby showers. If you just want to get a get a gift and send it you don’t have to feel like you’re a bad person. Sometimes it hurts. You really want a baby and here’s this woman with four or five children. A lot of women who are barren are smiling on the outside but they’re not smiling on the inside at all.
GW: What is your advice to someone who is newly diagnosed?
LP: My advice is to embrace it. There are so many different levels to finding out. A lot of times doctors can tell you that you can’t conceive but they can’t tell you why. Usually the only definite answer is when you have had a hysterectomy. When they finally say ‘this is why’ I encourage woman to embrace their barrenness. Go on with the rest of your life. Don’t let your life revolve around having a child. Discover the other things you want to do with your life and be happy to do those things. Mentor. There are so many children that need a positive influence in their life. Become a foster parent or adopt. There are many children who need a stable home. I encourage women to do that early. So many people make adoption their last option. It doesn’t have to be.
The advice I give younger women who want to seek infertility treatments, is to do it at an early age. With medical help you may be able to conceive.
If you would like to learn more about the National Barren Women’s Support Group visit, www.singobarrenwoman.com or call 931.301.0284 or email her at lemmonstine@yahoo.com. Click here to joine their Facebook Fan Page.
